Something You Might Not Know

18 Days Remain

Sometimes you have an idea about what you're going to get and quite the opposite happens. I'm even a firm believer in the Law of Attraction, but occasionally, life throws a curve ball.  I was reminded of this a few times this week at my "other" job. You see, I work (very) part-time helping parents with kids in Special Education navigate through school and life.  No parent imagines having a child with special needs, minor or severe. I happen to be one of those people. Yes, ME!

I rarely talk about my experience for 2 reasons:  1. There are so many parents out there that have kids that are far more challenged.   I somehow feel that I can't justify my frustration or sadness because I know there is always someone who has it worse.  2. I'm afraid of being judged and looking like a bad mom.  Today, I'll share.....a little.  Just in case someone out there needs to know they're not alone.

I have 2 boys. My youngest jumped straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. My oldest, could tell you every known fact about the painter, critique the work, and complain that it's boring. Both very unique children.  One of them is more work.

Let's start with what's awesome about the one who keeps me busy.  My boy is brilliant. He remembers everything too.  I looked at his yearbook last year and almost every kid wrote something like. "You are the smartest person I know." Lucky, yes!  I am so fortunate to have such a bright kid. One of my favorite stories about him is when he stood on his desk at school and proclaimed, "This easy math they are giving us is making us all stupid." He also has an incredible sense of humor and understands things that most kids wouldn't.  He's a hippie at heart, with the hair to prove it.   This kid is successful at everything he tries.  Plus, I think he is pretty good-looking too. 

On the flip-side he is demanding, outspoken, impulsive, angry, hugely sensitive, an insomniac, has a short fuse, impatient, and doesn't play well with others.  Ugh.

I won't go into many detail or try to explain "what's wrong", but I'll share a few things that I have been too timid to talk about.  Frankly, I'm worn out trying to pretend everything is alright all the time. It's pretty normal for a parent to feel helpless when their child is in the minority and there's only so much you can do to make things better.

Here's a few things you should know about me and probably about other moms and dads that are in my shoes......

I'm tired: Kids with special needs take a lot of energy. I'm mostly alone in this adventure and sometimes its more than I can handle.

I'm sad:  Certainly not all the time, but it's really hard to see your kid having trouble and not be able to make it better. Did I do something to make this happen? Will anything ever change? I think I cried myself to sleep most nights during his 1st grade year.  I hope you never experience that. 

I'm scared: What if he doesn't get better?  What if I take him to an event that's important to me and he breaks down and makes a scene? What if drives away friends?  What if he drives away mine? (Big one.) Why would anyone want to get close to a single mom with this kind of struggle?  All real worries.....

I'm frustrated: Babysitters don't last. Everything takes twice as long. Other parents judge me because they don't understand. "He looks normal, he's super smart, so she must be a crumby mom."

I feel alone:  I'm navigating this journey by myself. I'm the one doing the research, asking for help, and making decisions.  In addition, there's not that many of us out there and frankly it's hard to meet other parents like me. Fortunately, I have a job that puts me into contact with people who get me.  Grateful.

Maybe you think I'm a terrible person for telling too much.  Maybe I should just put a smile on my face and be grateful it's not worse. Maybe I'm not doing enough.  Maybe.

Please think about the folks out there that have struggles similar to mine.  Be careful not to judge and frequent with your compassion.  Be kind and don't make assumptions.

Today's kindness: Writing this in hopes that another mom and dad doesn't feel alone.

My son sent this to me tonight.  Typical.